I keep ending up crying for no reason tonight.
I'm shaking - from lack of sleep or something else, I'm not sure.
I feel like throwing everything out my window.
It's too hot in this house - but that's nothing new.
I can't focus my thoughts or attention on any one thing.
I'm confused.
Maybe I just need some sleep.
I hope that's the solution to my problem tonight.
I've never felt so out of control and lost before.
It's the most confusing thing ever.
And a bit scary, I'll admit....

I'm going to go try the one thing that's always helped before.
Music turned up so loud I can't hear a thing.
Notebook and pencil in front of me.
Sketchpad right there beside me. Letting my emotions out.
Into a productive, safe form.

If you actually read the email you'd see the part about 'I love you a bushel and a peck...yada yada yada, etc etc etc.'
That is an on-going inside joke between me and my Grumpy. He's been singing that little diddy (song) to me ever since I was really little.
Over time I've come to love it because it's actually kinda funny that he just breaks out singing that song to me out of no where.
And most of the time, oddly enough, it makes me smile. I makes me happy. And even when I'm at my most unhappy it can cheer me up in the blink of an eye.
I don't know what I'm going to do when he dies. Because I've come to accept the fact he won't live forever.
He's in his 60's now. Smokes. Has been in and out of the hospital a lot recently. And just a few years ago the doctor said he might only have six years to live.
Loosing him will destroy me more than loosing anyone else would. He is the only person in my family that doesn't judge me these days. God, there are so many things I could say about him but it would take up the amount of space as a large novel so I'll just leave it at that.

Ahhhh! I can't find the cord to plug my Blackberry into my laptop. I just had it like 2 hours ago and then I let my brother borrow my laptop and now I can't find the mother freaking cord. I can never find stuff when I need it!
I wanted to upload some videos and pictures from my phone to my laptop so I could post them here and on Myspace, but apparently I can't do that untill I find the stupid, fucking cord. Urgh...!